Board of trustees set smoking ban punitive measures

In keeping with their "Zero Input" policy, the ACC Board of Trustees recently laid out guidelines for which punitive measures will be employed to enforce the new smoking ban at ACC.

"We really don't anticipate needing the thumbscrews, but we understand that some people are really going to need that cool, sweet nicotine rush," said Dr. Barbara Mink. "For those people, we have actual thumbscrews."

The punitive measures will feature torture ranging from public whippings to the ever-popular iron maiden. Mr. Jeffrey Richard, the Vice Chair of the Board of Trustees, explained how the torture is scaled.

"The first offense will result in a day in the stocks. We believe public humiliation is one of the best teachers we have at ACC. From there, the punishments range from a few days of sleep deprivation to water-boarding."

When asked how these policies contrast with international laws against torture, Mr. Richard explained: "Our ‘Zero Input' policy isn't just for students...if we aren't going to listen to the student body then we sure aren't going to listen to the U.N."

Reactions from the student body ranged from "there's a smoking ban?" to utter disbelief.

"This is just another example of how out of touch the Board of Trustees are with the students and staff at ACC," said members of the Occupy ACC movement. "It's like they're murdering our rights here. Non-smoking is murder!"

Dr. Richard Rhodes, ACC President and CEO, also weighed in on the debate.

"By banning smoking, ACC is promoting a healthier lifestyle for its students. It is with that initiative in mind that I will be supporting a policy requiring all students to enroll in 2 semesters of gym class, which will culminate in a physical readiness test and evaluation."

When asked what exactly students of ACC need to be physically ready for, Dr. Rhodes mumbled something about the "coming zombie apocalypse," but was unable to further elaborate.

"Look, it's really easy," explained Dr. Mink. "Don't smoke on campus. Period. Or, you can spend a few hours on the tenth floor of Pinnacle Campus being tortured. The choice is yours."

With this news, the already-unpopular smoking ban is sure to see more opposition.

Unfortunately, until the Board of Trustees changes its "Zero Input" policy regarding decision-making, that opposition will all be for naught.

This reporter can only hope that the Board will take into consideration the viewpoints of the student body in the future.

Editor's note: This column is intended for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered factual in any way. All opinions are those of the writer and do not reflect the opinions of the Accent or Austin Community College employees.