ACC set to become ADD

Editor's note: This column is intended for entertainment purposes only and should not be considered factual in any way.

At an unveiling ceremony last week, ACC President/CEO Richard Rhodes presented the new name of Austin Community College.

"I am proud to announce that from now on, our school will be known as the Austin Developmental District, or A.D.D.," Rhodes said as he began to explain how this name more accurately reflects the nature of every A.D.D. student, but had to excuse himself because he "saw something shiny."

The committee in charge of selecting the new name was tasked with finding a title that sends a relevant message to everyone attending school. They had been considering "Austin Demographic Historical Database," or A.D.H.D., but decided against it.

"We concluded that A.D.H.D. would have been too unwieldy, like a sword...or a bat. Hey, ‘Riverbats,' right? That could've worked!" exclaimed Rhodes.

The announcement was met with mixed reactions from the student body.

"I don't think it has the same appeal as ACC," one freshman said. "But in the end, a name is a name anyway. Like my friend J.T. His real name is Jake, but everyone calls him J.T. What's the ‘T' for? Jake is always making stuff up."

"I don't know why they felt they needed to change the name," said one English teacher. "It's like the new erasers. Why get new erasers? Their handles are shaped weird. I saw a weird shaped cloud today, too."

The administration is not at all surprised by this opposition that faces A.D.D..

"We expected some growing pains," admitted one official. "Like when I was seven, I didn't want to give up my sneakers when I outgrew them. But eventually I did. The old sneakers were brown, but the new ones were green. Green is my favorite color, like plants and stuff. Aren't plants cool?"

For now, plans to rename ACC to A.D.D. will continue as scheduled. It is the administration's hope that within three months, the name "Austin Community College" will be nothing more than a hazy, unfocused memory. Most are betting the change to A.D.D. will occur much earlier than that.

Further attempts to investigate this matter were thwarted when this reporter became distracted by a group of newsworthy-looking coeds out doing research on Austin's finest brew pubs.